being real
"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become.It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.
"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."The Rabbit sighed. He thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him. He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him.
from "The Velveteen Rabbit," by Margery Williams
My husband has this theory that the true purpose of church is for believers to be wrestling through things together--to ponder the whys and wherefores and mysteries of this life. And that a lot of what goes on in churches these days misses the point of that--because either an opportunity for such conversation simply isn't provided, or the opportunities that are provided (home groups and such) TRY so hard that they end up feeling forced and awkward.
Deep conversations are best when they just grow organically out of deepening relationships, he believes.
And I started to speak up and contradict him. "But friendships don't always just evolve into talking about deeper things," I said. "A lot of them just stay at the same level."
And then I stopped. A LOT of my relationships actually stay at pretty much the surface level. Whereas I know my husband has quite a few friends with which he loves to discuss philosophy, theology, The Meaning of Life.
So I think that's actually saying something about not about the nature of relationships, but the nature of me.
Being liked is very important to me. Being considered Nice is very important to me. When politics, religion, or some other important but possibly controversial subject comes up, I keep my mouth shut. I'm afraid that if I give my honest opinion, people will question me and poke holes in whatever feeble theories I have. I am afraid that if I said what I actually think, my Christian friends would think I am dangerously liberal, and my non-Christian friends would think I am a close-minded fundamentalist.
And so I talk about my kids and my house, my articles for the paper and my husband, the weather and the new shoes I just found on sale. With a good friend I might share some personal struggles or the story of a bad day. If there is anything else under there I keep it to myself.
Now, let's be honest: I don't really know what I think about a lot of things. Opinions? Do I have them? Beliefs? Sometimes vague and not well-expressed.
I'm not quite sure what being more real ought to look like. I'm not going to start blurting out, "Hey! I disagree with you!" every time someone expresses an opinion contrary to my own. But perhaps just having the confidence in myself to say what I think, or share what's really going on with me, instead of just smiling and nodding and being polite. Even if it means the people I'm talking to don't think of me the same way as they did before. Realizing that in order to be real, sometimes uncomfortable things happen to you.
Because I guess I'd rather be disliked for something I really think, than accepted for something I don't.
11 comments:
Good post. I can really level.
Very good post. If I have a lot invested in the relationship, then I am very careful in expressing my opinion. Because of that whole wanting to be liked thing. I also worry about being wrong. Consequently, I don't get out much these days.
I feel EXACTLY like this. I want to be liked, to be accepted and to be desired in company, so I chameleon myself into any sitution. I look back and wonder why I didn't say anything if there were opinions I had which differed from the group.
But that's only IF there're opinions in the first place. I'm passionate about so few things -- happy to dabble in many -- that I don't know my own thoughts on things others are really serious about. And to top it off, I tend to be easily persuaded. I tend to agree with the last statement I heard.
I WANT to hold my own and inspire other people to think, but...what if I drive them away with my disagreement?
I've become much more aware of my own opinions through writing, though. Trying to write in understandable ways forces me to think a thing all the way through. Forces me to examine my thoughts whereas I'd otherwise just try to understand what someone else WANTS me to understand.
Oh, life. What will become of us?
Firstly I LOVE The Velveteen Rabbit.
Secondly, I can relate, but over the past few years I can feel myself changing and becoming less concerned with what people think about me, and more interested in the authentic. I'm tired of the superficial, and pretense. Especially in the church and I'm starting to gradually be myself. It's very liberating :) (And most people still love me)
I totally understand where you are coming from. I feel the same way.
I think we all have those insecurities. I'm just usually talking so loud and fast that people can't get their opinion expressed. I am inspired to probe a little more and really try to listen to people who may be resisting to share.I know it will challenge and get me thinking much more than hearing myself talk! And I like you no matter what!
Oh Jen I LOVE this! I also feel like my Christian friends would think I'm a liberal wacko and my not Christian friends would think I'm wackjob fundamentalist! GAK!
I think I'm pretty real offline, mostly because most of my friends are old and dear and we've got all that stuff hashed out. MOST of it. But online it's a real struggle. Especially when people email me to ask about something and I don't know whether to say what I REALLY think or whether to keep on playing the To Each His Own Happy Faced Blogger game. Not that this has happened recently and I am trying to figure out how to respond in a way that is REAL and also HONEST or anything! GAH!
I love The Veleveteen Rabbit, too. Reminds me to read it with my kids. This post makes me contemplate. What is "real" anyway? I think we have so many facets to ourselves and we can be different with different people in certain environments and still be real. I think I have less of a problem with this, though, since I usually am on the opposite side - regretting that I had been "too real" in a conversation with someone. I grew up in a family that made me think I have a right to an opinion and a right to share it. I've come around to believing that I am certainly allowed to an opinion, but why does everyone need to know it?
And, where I agree that a purpose of the church is to wrestle with life's problems together as believers, the true purpose is to glofify the Father, disciple Christ's followers, and equip them to share the Gospel.
Last thought: surround yourself with people you (mostly) agree with and who you know want to hear what you have to say!
I always wonder if these children's books are meant more for us than for the kids. I learn so much!
I'm completely the same way. Too nice to contradict. Thanks for pointing this out. I'll try to work on it too!
I indeed recommend not running around saying, "Hey! I disagree with you!" - as I have done a whole darn lot of that in my life, thinking only my opinions can define who I am to the world. I need to swing a little more toward Nice sometimes, and this post is a good reminder of both as extremes. Plus, we had a friend read a section of the Velveteen Rabbit at our wedding, so I get a little squishy when I see it. :)
Such a good post! I can relate in so many ways! Makes me want to get together and chat...
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